The need to be seen
Recently, at the end of a discussion session with a young couple in my practice, I asked each of them to share one simple thing their partner could do that would help them steer their relationship in a different direction. “What is one simple thing your partner can do that will help you just a little?” The man answered: “I just want her to see me”. This answer not only touched me; it reminded me of our most basic need, the need to be affirmed – to be seen, heard and acknowledged. I often hear this in my work with individuals, couples and organisations. I also experience it at home.
We are bombarded by negative feedback and distractions, even in our relationships and friendships, where we just want to be acknowledged. However, we also easily give negative feedback or highlight what is wrong, but rarely do we focus on what we appreciate and what is right. We seem to find it difficult to celebrate the rights of the world and not only focus on the wrongs.
I experience this tendency in my partnership with my wife. Ordinarily, while managing life, parenting and a house together, we may have ten interactions a day, with eight of those being about positive things and only two about negative matters. Yet, what do we do? We will often highlight the negatives first; what the other one did not do, or did not say, instead of focusing on what was going well; what we could affirm! It’s the same with kids. To see and acknowledge what they do right is crucial! This is just as important in organisational teams and leadership. Simon Sinek mentions that one of the most important aspects of leadership is to make people feel that they are heard. This is my experience as well.
A culture of affirmation …
I have found that many organisations need to build a culture of affirmation. Regularly appreciating each other’s contributions and being deliberate in thanking somebody when they did well go a long way. When we build a culture where we frequently affirm each person’s unique contribution and really see them, it becomes much easier to manage our differences and critical feedback constructively. Performance feedback often turns out to be about what somebody did wrong or can do better, and that no news means good news; when you do well, you won’t hear from us, but when you make a mistake, we’ll point it out. This approach automatically makes somebody more defensive and less open to receiving critical feedback. (Disclaimer 1: I might be overly dramatic about this, but you get my point, right?)
In Frederic Laloux’s research, he emphasises the move from fear and scarcity to joy and abundance while acknowledging that people come to work as their whole selves. I find that implementing such a culture of affirmation also fosters wholeness and abundance in the workplace.
I firmly believe that if we were more deliberate in building a culture of affirmation, we would find that people (professionally and personally) will develop a better ability to manage critical feedback, leading to healthier employees, friends and families. When I feel good about my contribution, I have more capacity to manage pressure and to rectify mistakes proactively. This is true in any relationship!
(Disclaimer 2: It is not my intention that people in organisations must spend their time on fake compliments and touchy-feely feedback. This is about finding basic human ways of sending an affirmative message: “I see you”.)
When I feel good about my contribution, I have more capacity to manage pressure and
to rectify my mistakes pro–actively.
See yourself!
This challenge starts with the way we speak to ourselves. In my coaching practice, I’ve learned that the person you are in conversation with the most is yourself, right? With most of us, there are many valid past and present reasons for criticising ourselves. Reminding ourselves of the things we did not do, did wrong, or where we just did not fit into the dominant group? What if we started seeing ourselves with grace, could acknowledge what we did right, and could recognise our good intentions? What if we could see that we’re okay? It is so easy to only focus on the negatives – a world of war, of violence and rising petrol prices. Why not rather see something beautiful or meaningful around us? Last night I saw a beautiful moon rising – it is there, I just had to acknowledge and see it.
I am reminding myself about a few simple things:
- We have the need to be seen and acknowledged in most of our relationships.
- When we foster a culture of affirmation, it is easier to receive critical feedback.
- We should try to look at ourselves with affirmation and appreciation, the way that God sees us!
- We can do better to celebrate what is right with this world.
- Couples can always start by acknowledging and affirming each other as a first step.
REFLECT
When was the last time you felt seen? Think about an example where you experienced that your contribution was acknowledged. Pause with this for a moment and recognise the impact this had in your life …
RESPOND
Find a moment to acknowledge somebody and send them a message that you see them, whether that is in your team, your relationship, or in your role as a parent or leader. Affirm somebody authentically. Or just celebrate something around you that is right with this world.
Try this:
Find something that you can affirm about yourself or where you may need to look at yourself through God’s loving grace.
Go and affirm!!
Let me know of your creative stories or soulful ideas at andre@besoulful.co.za.
If you want to schedule a retreat day for a small group, let me know!
Look out for our Soulful Leadership Process and Leaders Retreats.